Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree...

Its finally done!!! After lots of work I finally finished our DIY homemade Christmas tree this morning, inspired by the unique and inventive trees I found and wrote about in this post a few weeks ago... Here's a pic of it and a few details of how I made it ^_^

We collected sticks from around our neighbourhood, purposefully looking for interestingly shaped ones (looking rather strange to the neighbours we passed on the way), picked the best ones, and just spaced them out and adjusted their widths accordingly to create the triangular-ish shape of a Christmas tree. I simply adjusted them by eye and mostly just snapped off the ends (with the help of an old kitchen knife at points) as I needed to (as opposed to trying to make them super neat or accurate) to maintain a very rustic feel. One of the nicest parts about making your own tree like this is being able to custom make it to fit into whichever area its going into.

You do need to do some accurate measuring to centre each branch though, 'cause attaching each one to the other is definitely the most difficult part, so marking the centre point of each one with a bit of chalk (which you can just rub off later) is essential. And then I attached each one, starting from the top, with fishing line (so that its pretty see-through unless you look really close up and you get that feel of them being suspended on their own). I measured each bit of fishing line gradually making the gaps between each one bigger, the further down the tree I went - it all just depends on the space you have, the size of your decorations and the look you want...

The decorations were a collection of things my mom and I collected around both Durban and Grahamstown (like the recycled paper mache stars I found). We decided to keep everything in neutral tones of whites, creams, browns, silvers and subdues golds, both because it just looks lovely and classy and whimsical, and also 'cause it goes with the colour scheme of our flat. :P

We made it even more personal by printing out some family photos and attaching them to these flat wooden decorations my mom found in a store. Its one of my favourite parts of the tree - each member of our close family has a picture up ^_^

Little fun elements like this cute little angel with feathery wings, and the tiny teddy called Brown Bear which we've had for more than 10 years, add to the feeling of whimsy.

Here are all of the elements we added to our tree, including the adorable glittery reindeer, and the heart-shaped key-ring one of my best friends Katie gave to me years ago that's made up of the 'Zulu love beads' that are quintessentially Durban... (It is super important not to have too many things or to over-crowd the tree to keep the general feeling of lightness and of whimsy.) A lot of the store-bought pieces still needed some minor customising to make sure they went with the feel of the tree - like the star which was just a bright gold, R10 plastic one from Checkers (which I dulled down with lighter gold and silver paint, and added a bit more contouring to with some metallic white paint). 

I'm super proud of the final product. All the work definitely paid off. I love how unique it is, and how personal each touch it is whether it be little elements from our past, photos of our family, bits and pieces I found in Grahamstown (my university town I've just left) or things I changed and customised myself - it really does feel like its ours. :) 

No matter what your Christmas tree is like, it should be a reflection of you, your house, and most importantly your family. Happy decorating and celebrating to you all! 

Much love and mince pies and mistletoe to all the lovely peeps out there! May your Christmas time be magical <3 

Feeling a little lost...

So after four years of intense academic work, so far having gotten me an undergraduate Bachelor of Arts degree and hopefully now my Honours in Politics (granted I get this last frikken 10 000 word paper in :P And pass everything, of course) I feel even more lost than I did when I left high school. People are constanly asking me what I'm doing next and every time I explain the degree I have the first thing people say is "Sooooo, what can you do with that?" And I can honestly say, I really don't know what the heck I want to do with my life. The plan right now is to go home, work for a few months and get all my ducks in a row to go teach English to kids in Korea - an opportunity to simultaneously travel, earn well and start paying off my huge student loans and avoid the real world for a while longer. But what if that doesn't work out? And even if it does what am I going to do afterwards... There is the option of studying for another two years to complete my LLB (so I'll have 3 rather than just 2 degrees, just 2 just isn't enough, is it? :P). But even if so - then what?!? 99% of my friends have everything mapped out for them, they are studying career-specific degrees, they know where they're going, they're gonna be doctors, or engineers, or lawyers, or journalists. But I jsut really have no clue what I need to set my sights on and work towards.

The last few months and especially the last few weeks have found me questioning everything. I feel like I abandoned so much of myself when I came to uni. I am such a creative being and there are so many things which bring me such immense joy which I just let go by the wayside. Trouble is I never really felt confident in any of these other things enough to really commit to them. But I look around at other people engaged in things that they love and I just wish I had something which made me feel that way. And don't get me wrong, I have loved doing my Honours this year, and there have been areas in my studies which have made me feel really excited, most markedly my Ubuntu module. But I don't feel like I have a place for that interest. I don't feel like I'm intelligent enough to venture further into academia with it. And like I mentioned above, that's the same feeling I have with everything else I love. I have done a little sketch here and a little painting here and there in the last few months and that's made me miss making art SO much - but again its not like I some amazing talent in that area. And probably most prominently on my mind at the moment is that I absolutely am missing music, and most of all singing, more than I could possibly say. And even though it makes me so happy, I know once again I am not any kind of brilliant talent. Its just hard to understand how something can bring you so much joy and yet not be something of real significance in your life.

Maybe the next few months at home are exactly what I need. Maybe I need to just stop this freight train my life (and my brain) has seemed to be on for as long as I can remember and start doing the things that make me happy for a while - and just see what happens. So I am committing to writing, to sketching and painting, to finally learning to play my guitar, and to singing every moment I am not doing whatever menial job I am going to end up being stuck in, and I am going to make a concerted effort to put myself out there in terms of my creative side. At least that way I can either be told once and for all that none of these things are what I should be spending my time on, or maybe, juuuust maybe, find my niche and be told that in one tiny area maybe its more self-doubt than anything else that is holding me back.

Seriously need to get the creative juices flowing! And I will use this space as a platform for some of it, maybe :P (Seems like a good place to start seeing as I don't think that many people actually read this blog or even know it exists :P)

For now I will continue being lost and try and distract myself from this overwhelming state as much as possible.

Peace, love and bold brush strokes to all the other lost souls like me out there!

Song of the week...

I was recently introduced to this indie-folk number from Iceland and I am loving them to bits...

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks 

It's coming on Christmas...

So admittedly Christmas has never been my favourite time of the year. Generally it tends to make me a little sad and has often been accompanied by family drama of some kind... But this year my mom and I have started talking about decorations and things (we don't usually have the chance to really do much) and it got me excited... Maybe its just my thinking of things to keep myself busy with now that I'm gonna be back home for a really long time, or maybe its just my being inspired by a beautiful and unique homemade tree I came across - but either way I am getting amped so that's all that counts. Maybe this year it will be a merrier Christmas than usual :P

Because we do live in SA and don't really do the real Christmas tree thing (a practice I don't really think is the greatest anyway), and because most plastic, stoep-green trees can often look scraggly and to be honest, downright tacky, I absolutely love the idea of creating unusual and unique Christmas trees yourself. I would really like to think of something like one of these for my mom and I to do ourselves in our flat. :) I love simple, whimsical designs and also love the use of earthy elements. Here are some super pretty ones I found pics of... 

I love the use of rough bits of wood and the scattered but balanced use of a few delicate decorations, and the lighting makes it!

This is such a cute and nifty idea using something a lot of people would have at home already. Love it!

This idea is absolutely gorgeous and something that you could really personalise to the max, and is also useful  for places without too much room to fit a big tree it. This is a cheerful play on the traditional idea... 

This is one which takes minimal effort but still looks really rad - one specially for book lovers ^_^

This is an even simpler version of the first on the list and once again is a simple, earthy style which eliminates any of the usual garishness of Christmas decor. 

 My beautiful friend Katie has a super special tree of her own, one her parents made out of pieces of driftwood, and it is absolutely stunning!! Her and I and a couple of friends have begun the tradition of decorating it together every year and here are some snaps of our antics... ^_^

And I can't end off a post about Christmas without sharing my absolute favourite Christmas song of all time by the stunning Joni Mitchell. It is admittedly pretty sad but absolutely beautiful... 

So here's in anticipation of creating pretty, homemade decorations, giving (and getting!) super thoughtful gifts, spending time with the ones we love, and of course, eating your weight in mince pies!! 

Peace and love and jingle bells... <3

Song of the week...

Recently rediscovered this song from the movie Once... Been listening to it on repeat and I still just never get over how stunning it is. Gonna have to watch this movie again once I get the pesky little thing that is my last ever university exam out of the way :P

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova 

The end of times - Rhodes times, that is...

So it is all coming to an end. In exactly a month and two days I will be leaving Grahamstown for good, only to return for a weekend when I graduate next year and then possibly never again. These last two essays I write, and this final exam, may be the last pieces of work I ever do for a degree. My university career is almost officially over. Needless to say, this is an exceedingly scary prospect. This place is all I have known for the last four years. And now once again I need to bid adieu to an entire phase of life, and boldly charge (more like awkwardly stumble) into the next one. 

Obviously this time period becomes riddled with nostalgia - lots of reminiscing, looking back, 'talking fondly of the good old days' as if we're a bunch of geezers who've lived through an age. But we have certainly come far from the over-excitable bunch of first years who first entered this debaucherous little town. So pouring over four years worth of photos (and anyone who knows me, knows that equals a flip load, me being a complete photo whore and all :P), I went about the very difficult task of picking a few out to have a little look back over the time... 

1st year - 2009
City Bowl gig in pjs
First night out in g-town with the res girls in o-week
Rat jam with my instant soul mate, Sharlz
Playing dress up in my res room

2nd year - 2010
Lumo vibes with my bestie!
Lady Gaga themed corridor party in res
Leavers dinner
The first boyf, B-rad 

3rd year - 2011
Boat Races, baby!
House sitting with The-O & Miss Es
One of many pre-drinks
My T-themed g-town edition of my 21st

4th year - 2012
Graduation!!!
Ree's 21st with Gabz & Claire (a.k.a the night of the deadly punch)
Body piles at FUSH
Leavers dinner with my Slovo boys

Looking back is completely surreal. So much has happened, so much has changed, I honestly can't believe how fast time has gone or how much has gone time during it. What is for sure is that the wonderful memories certainly outweigh the sucky ones, and I will cherish the time I have had here and the people I have known forever. I feel incredibly lucky to have ended up in this place.

Now it is time for new and unknown adventures. Going to truly be at the hands of what is the harsh and incredibly uncertain real world. I know that I am ready to leave this place, to move on, to grow more and see more and start really living. But that certainly doesn't make leaving all this wonderfulness any easier. 

Here's to awesome pasts and exciting futures!!

Peace and love and rainbows to all ^_^

Living the trends I love!! :D

So as a quick follow up on my blog post about the latest trends that I absolutely love - I found a dress (at a bargain too) that has the heart cut out that has become an absolute staple on the WeHeartIt site. And although it does give me some bra complications I absolutely love it! :P Its definitely become my new favourite LBD. Here it is. . .

Super major awesomeness ^_^

Just wanted to dedicate a post to these beautiful sisters and best friends, Lennon and Maisy Stella, who made this stunning video which lifts my heart every time I watch it.

Read more about them on HelloGiggles (one of my favouritest blogs!) http://hellogiggles.com/sister-act-a-chat-with-web-celebs-lennon-and-maisy-stella

And here some more of their videos - can't believe the voices on these two and the soulfullness in their delivery. Just love it!

Peace and love to you beautiful and talented girls!! <3

Feeling a little low...

So not really sure what I am even writing about today. So you have been warned that this is not going to be a very worthwhile, eloquent or even coherent post. Just felt like reflecting on the state I'm in I guess. I have been feeling lonely, and don't get me wrong - I have many amazing friends around me all the time. But I've been feeling the kind of lonely that kicks in late at night when all you wish for is that person to cuddle up next to, when you're watching a series you used to watch together and all you want to do is discuss each character or contestant like you used to, when you see a couple holding hands and your chest wells up with just how empty your hand feels in that moment. I am a very physical person and I experience like actual physical aches just longing for someone to hold me, someone to cuddle, someone to feel connected to.

This is part of my journey. I know. I need to feel this way. I need to learn how to not feel this way as much. I need to get to a place where being alone isn't painful anymore. I'm not exactly sure how long that's going to take. But I am trying my hardest to make good choices about how to deal with it. It can be overwhelming and cause me to have moments of weakness. But I am pushing through. And hopefully it will be better eventually.

I have never been the kind of person who likes being by themselves. Ja sure, I can enjoy a lazy Sunday morning spent in my pj's looking gross and doing nothing but watching tv, or a nice long bubble bath. But by no means do I enjoy extended periods of alone time. If I could be around people all the time I would. And it makes it so much harder when you go from being in a relationship when you have the person you love around almost all the time, to being single and having to readjust to life on your own. Its not that I'm dependent. Its just that I like the comfort, the presence, the distraction...

Night time is the worst, falling asleep on my own is STILL hard, even though its been such a long time. My sleeping patterns have been insanely bad. When I am in my friend Julian's room I can fall asleep on his bed no problem, even with a room full of people. But then as soon as I'm back in my room and by myself again, bam, wide awake... And then I'll stay up all night and be so tired that I'll sleep all day :/

But enough moaning. This is just yet another phase I have to go through to get onto the other side of this whole business. And slowly the pieces will start to come back together. Broken hearts take time to heal. (good god that sounded cliched!) Sigh... I suppose all I can do is try and focus on all the things going on in my life, focus on my wonderful friends, my mountains of work, the very many parties this term - and try and power through the moments when I feel like this, when I feel weak, and broken, and alone.

Peace and love and posi vibes to all <3

Trends I love (and mostly couldn't pull off :P)

The definition of what is sexy changes as time does and so does the way in which we show it off... The obvious ways which have existed over time, low cut tops showing cleavage, short tight skirts revealing as much thigh as possible (neither of which I've ever been able to or wanted to don), have been swapped out today for more subtle and in my opinion way more alluring trends. These are more feminine and classy ways of accentuating the female form and I absolutely love them! These are my three favourites - intricate open backs, see-through tops and bare midriffs...

 I think that open back are one of the sexiest things ever!! I have one or two dresses with cut outs in the back and I have to say that they make me feel great when I wear them. Most of the above are for those lucky enough to be able to not wear a bra - for not all of us fit into that category. But you can find ones which are smart and have a strategically placed band or tie into a bow right over the bra strap so its hidden and you still get to show off a little skin :)

Big no-no's with this look: Exposed bras and bra straps - looks really tacky and completely defeats the point, ladies! Don't do it!! Also, a lot of us can end up exposing some dreaded 'back fat' (sorry, I couldn't think of a more delicate term for it :P) which is not the greatest - try and avoid dresses or tops which possibly cut across your back in tight or unflattering ways. Its all about making the look work for you ^_^

I recently ventured out of my comfort zone and bought myself one of these sheer tops - very much like the second one pictured above - and although I am yet to wear it I am super excited to do so. There is something that feels very daring about revealing my belly button in public going out at night - while being completely covered at the same time ;P I love the juxtaposition between either the classy-ness of a long-sleeve collared shirt that's just see-through enough to reveal a sexy bra or the super girly-ness of a vintage-y, lace top which has just the right amount of peek-a-boo. 

Big no-no's with this look: Be careful with the way in which you match up the bra and top, you don't want to end up looking tacky or slutty, its all about revealing just enough but not too much. 

This look is my MOST favourite of the season!!! And it is one which I would not dare to actually try - much to out there for me. But when it is done right (like above) I really think it is truly stunning. I have seen a lot of celebs like Jessie J, Katy Perry and Jennifer Lopez pulling it off amazingly and of that I am super jealous. I think this look is most stunning when paired with a high-waisted, long, flowy skirt. 

Big no-no's with this look: Once again, its all about moderation and balance - don't show TOO much skin. Its all about accentuating that gorgeous, most thin part of your body, your waist (or just above it). 

Of course these are all summer looks so most of them are out of the question right now for those of us living in the parts of South Africa which actually experience winter (and g-town is most certainly one of those, although my hometown, Durban, generally isn't) - but when the weather obliges these are the trends I'm most excited to see play themselves out and that I'm most excited to try in some everyday-gal friendly forms :P 

Peace and love and lace and bows <3 I'm out :)

Seeing light through the bad life choices...

So in true Rhodent style an innocent little Thursday night going to watch a bunch of awesome students doing some awesome improv comedy turned into a very sneaky mare (due to the amazing drink specials at the bar) and needless to say my reaction to the intoxication was rather telling. I guess its the choices that you make when you are at your most vulnerable that reveal the most about what you are feeling deep down inside. I realised a little while ago that the reason I have in fact been coping with this break up as well as I have is because I been making sure that I distract myself as much as I possibly could - I have hardly spent any time alone (comparative to normal people) ever since the break up happened like 2 months ago, not that I could help it anyway. And as much as I love my friends for being so amazingly supportive I had to come to the realisation that there's only so long I can use them as a crutch. I need to start learning to be ok by myself. For the obvious reasons of course. But also because I don't want my needs to ending hurting the people in my life in the process. I never want to be that person and I feel like I am venturing incredibly close to it.

So making tough decisions are necessary - but I know that what's most important is that in every decision I make I try and stay true to myself. The person I know and am and the person I've always trued to be. That person isn't dependent (however much I love company) and that person avoids hurting others at all costs.

I guess I shouldn't have been fooled into thinking things would sort themselves out if I avoided thinking about them long enough. That was awfully silly of me. But at the same time I am proud of how truly well I am doing. I probably shouldn't be as hard on myself as I have been. I just need to keep on truckin' :P Bumps, bruises, and all...

Obsessed with social media...

This is not going to be any kind of in-depth, analytical or even worthwhile engagement with this topic, it is just merely a passing musing. But what is it with this strange obsession with putting out all our feeling, thoughts and activities out into the world wide web for all to see? Most people say all the time that they always know exactly what's going on with me or what I've been up to even if they haven't seen or spoken to me in ages - just because that's how much I post on facebook. But the inherent dangers that lie in things like facebook, twitter and , yes - blogging! - are endless. People make so many false assumptions about people and who they are based on facebook updates and photos - and while I certainly think that it is some reflection of who you are it is never the sum total of a person and never truly reflects their thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it allows people, and I am most certainly guilty of this even if I do it in a cryptic or abstract and veiled way, to air their dirty laundry for all to see. I must be rather unattractive I'd imagine and right now I'm almost feeling slightly embarrassed to admit it.

I used to think that despite my incessant need to post things on the interwebs that I still maintained a certain respectable level of discretion as to what to post and what not to. And while I don't think this is entirely untrue sometimes maybe the emotions I'm feeling at the time outweigh my capacity for reason just the tiniest bit. And while I have been getting incredibly annoyed at having to over think every status or picture I post, and have started making certain things only visible to certain people in order to avoid hurt feelings or unwanted inquiries into further explanations or false assumptions or just plan judgement - I do feel I need to re-evaluate my place in this big bad world of social media.

And what better way to start doing that than by using one of my social media outlets, right? :P lol

Ok, I have to go shopping for my very exciting belated birthday bash I'm having with my friend Claire (a 'big kids party' - very amped), so I will be loving and leaving anyone who is actually even reading this :P

Much peace and love and ladybugs to you all!! ^_^

10 POINTS TO ME!!

So I actually dragged my butt to gym this morning for the first time in a VERY long time :P It Always makes me feel super motivated when I do and despite struggling at first, once the endorphins got a-flowin' I felt great :P Ready to cross things off my to-do list and beat the constant struggle with procrastination :P I was feeling quite disheartened yesterday after having a very scary first seminar with a lecturer who is rather intimidating and a course whose work load seems pretty much impossible AND THEN getting an e-mail telling me all the 1st year tutors (which includes me) have to attend a whole bunch of extra lectures because its a new course - SO annoying :/

Anywho - much more positive this morning ^_^ Just to keep this going somehow...

Here's my new favourite work out song of the moment from the stunning Dia Frampton!

Isabella

Peace and love out to you all - promise I will post something more substantial soon ;P <3

New beginnings... all over again XP

So here I am again, for the millionth time talking about making a fresh start, recommitting to my goals and trying to focus on the ways in which I want to improve myself after another rough break up. So I apologise to anyone actually reading this if it feels like deja vu and is a bore :P

The last few weeks have involved a lot very very critical thinking around my politics honours module Ubuntu because we had the Thinking Africa colloquium and honours winter school around the topic. I have had the immense honour of listening to, interacting with and having in depth conversations with absolutely amazing academics from all over the continent and from overseas and I could not help but relate so much of it back to myself - the way in which I live my life, conduct myself, think about myself, relate to others... A lot of soul searching has been done and a lot of it I am really not happy about. I have come to a lot of hard realisations about myself - and not the defeatist, insecure little self doubts that have always been there, but some real revelations about my underlying faults which are truly inhibiting me.

For now, I am sitting alone in my room, feeling back in the exact same spot a always do - with a million things to do, a million plans and lists to get them done, and yet still feeling paralysed to get started on any of it because - well I don't really know. All I can manage is this defense mechanism of closing my brain off by putting on episode after episode of trivial tv series so that I don't have to think. But I cannot revert back into this. It wastes too much time and these are my last 6 months here at Rhodes - and possibly of university forever - and I cannot possibly let this time slip by without making the most of it and looking back after the fact and having regrets.

So I start with what I always do - lists. Lists, after list, after list. (There is something incredibly comforting about an extremely comprehensive list - especially the ticking things off part. :P)

One of the things on one of my multiple lists is to get back into blogging regularly again so this was me getting onto that. :P

On a much more light hearted note (because as I said to someone the other day, I think that frivolity is an extremely important part of life! :P) here is a hilarious set of youtube videos I found today (courtesy of another youtube star I am a huge fan of Jenna Marbles)... This is the first episode of many filled with a lot of drinking, a lot of ridiculously bad (which in our books means good) word play, and not very much successful cooking. . . Hannah you are amazing!! ^_^

My Drunk Kitchen

(I especially love how in her drunkeness her rants about food often become profound metaphoric musings on her life experiences - which make me love her even more!!)

I'm out for now... I will hopefully stick to this (and my many other) newly-single-resolutions :P

Love and peace to all out there <3

Music is my solace...

Every time I seem to come to some pertinent moment in my life, most often times of hardship in the area of love like now (as I am newly single once again as of two days ago), I always seem to stumble accidentally upon a song which seems to sum up exactly what I'm going through or what I'm feeling. Last night I was watching a movie, after trying desperately to get my mind to focus on the 8000 word essay I have due in a few days, and I heard some snippets of a song whose lyrics seemed to resonate. When I googled it and found I actually already had it on my I-tunes (of course, cause I have such great music taste :P) and I listened to it over and over again. At least in my time of pain I can find a tiny bit of solace in the beautiful composition of feelings someone else felt just like I am right now.

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

And I went crazy again today, looking a strand to climb

Looking for a little hope

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine

And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified,

Come on put a little love here in my void,' He said

'Its all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it, I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

Wedding cake toppers...

I was always one who thought that wedding cakes looked infinitely more sophisticated and elegant without the cheesy traditional little plastic bride and groom on top. But in the heaps of time that I spend on my favourite wedding blog (ruffledblog.com) I have come across some adorable, quirky and still stylish ones...

Here are some of the best I've seen :)

Its been a while...

So its been so long since my last post that the format of this posting box has completely changed... SO much has changed since my last post. My boyfriend and I are back together and I am so happy about that. We just couldn't stay broken up - we couldn't stay apart. And it has not been easy by any means - its been an uphill battle a lot of the time. But when it comes to the person that you love it is worth fighting for (as cliched as it may sound).

To start with uni - its been exceedingly challenging. Honours is on a completely different level to everything that came before. I busy writing exams (probably the main reason why I'm posting at this precise moment - in desperate need of ways to procrastinate). I don't think I've been doing as well as I had wanted because of the emotional struggles I've been having but hopefully I will pull through. This year really has been about work, work, work for me though - time with friends has really taken a knock, I've been out two times this entire term, and I have not been able to go to a single gig this whole year :( Even though I want to work my butt off next semester I also really want to remember that this is my last year and after this me and my closest friends are all going to be going off in different directions into the the real world. It makes me so sad thinking about it :/ I really want to have as much fun with them as possible while we still can.

The last few weeks have been rough for me - emotionally I am not in the greatest place. The ramifications of the break up and what went down has brought me back into a rather scary state of mind but I am trying really hard to deal. And usually these things come in phases and hopefully it'll pass eventually. You might be hearing more about that at some point...

For now, here is my absolute FAVOURITE song at the moment - the stunning Dia Frampton (who totally should have won season 1 of the The Voice!) has released and album and this is my favourite song off of it (followed by Isabella). Its beautiful vocally and the lyrics really resonate with me.

I can't help it, I love the broken ones

The ones who need the most patching up

The ones who've never been love, 

Never been loved, never been loved enough.

And oh maybe I see a part of me in them

The missing piece always trying to fit in,

The shattered heart, hungry for a home

No you're not alone, I love the broken ones.

Too hard to explain

There's nothing that hurts more than hearing the exact words you wanted to, but hearing them too late.

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily 

I'm here to stay,

And make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use 

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend,

At least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

Update on life...

So in the 10 minutes I have before I have to rush off and while I hastily chug down a cup of sugarless coffee (second one in a row - decided to go cold turkey, be proud of me Miss Es!) here's a quick update on the shambles that is my life at the moment.

Crazy busy, behind on work, leaving for home in a few days (SO excited but so not ready in terms of the mounds of work which need to be covered before then), been gyming like a beast but PUT ON half a kg in the last week which made me sad but I didn't eat that well last week so that may be to blame, going back to treat less eating until I can get the numbers going in the other direction, tired all the time, and listening to lots of sappy love songs because still exceedingly heart sore and missing Sem like I cannot even explain.

On the up side I did a cool thing with my hair today (will try get someone to take a pic for me cause all the coolness is at the back). French braided it and then tucked the end of the braid up under the rest of it. :) And seeing my brother who is visiting from England and who I haven't seen in like 6 years or something should be beyond amazing. So all isn't too bleak.

Now I really do have to go. Gonna have tutlings waiting for me to impart my wisdom about the stereotypes of persecution in the scapegoating mechanism with specific reference to the use of the hamitic hypotheses in the Rwandan genocide, soon.

Much love to anyone who gives this thing the time of day. You are amazing. Here's a song another song which makes my heart smile. I hope it'll do the same for you. xx

Kimya Dawson - So Nice, So Smart

*Song of the day*

Kristian Matsson most definitely has one of THE sexiest singing voices on the planet. After a very long day of essay writing, meeting attending, and a very intense gym session and having been up for about 30 hours straight - this song made my heart smile. 

The Tallest Man on Earth - The Sparrow and the Medicine 

Oh I want to be your medicine, 

I want to feed the sparrow in your heart.

When we're covered by the thunder we'd become just one

and feel the lightning shard.

Splayed the wind apart.   

The hardest parts

Its been a very hard couple of days. The truth is I'm letting things slide and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've been in this place before. This place when I start losing motivation. When I can't concentrate to the point where working becomes near impossible - and the worst when not getting my work done starts to not matter that much anymore. I know what I need to do, I make lists and plans. But its like I can't actually get any of it done.

I have realised that there are two things that hit me the hardest in losing the person you love. The first is losing your best friend, losing the person who you tell everything, the person you plan your every day around, the person who is gonna worry whether or not you're ok. Its like the center of you're world has suddenly disappeared and you're lost and left scrambling for a way to go about your day. It just makes everything better to have a constant. To know that no matter how bad your day was that you're gonna be able to curl up in bed next to the person that you love and they're gonna wrap their arms around you and at least for that moment that is a guarantee. And to know that when things go right you get to have double the awesomeness because someone else is going to be just as happy for you as you are. Sharing your life somehow just makes it feel so much worth while.

The second thing is the blame that you take in everything going wrong. More than the hurt I take from his actions, infinitely more in fact, is the feeling that in the end it is my fault. The fact that if I had worked harder, been prettier or smarter or nicer or more fun or exciting or interesting, that if I was just enough - that things would have turned out differently. Its the worst feeling in the world. Cause failing once, and then failing again makes you feel like that's the way things are always going to turn out.

I'm signing off for the day to retire to the all-nighter I have ahead of me. I have a 5 page essay to complete and about 10 more tuts to mark.

Here is my song of the day. It is most definitely one of my quintessential break up songs and was introduced to me by the amazing lady who made me fall in love with this band, Miss Jess. The lyrics really resonate with me in phases like this. And lead singer Cherilyn MacNeil's vocals are just as uniquely sublime as always. This is certainly one of my favourite bands of all time. (Follow the link to have a listen...)

Dear Reader - Bend  

You say you do not want me because I want too much,

And I almost let you patronize me one last time.

But I don't want too much, 

I just want more than you've got.

So lack is not with either, 

We are merely a different size. 

A little ray of light :)

So there was obviously something faulty with the scale at gym on Saturday cause when I weighed myself again today it shows I'm 3 and a half kg's lighter than Saturday - which is obviously impossible.

So in fact, since I began this weight loss effort on the 1st of January I have lost 2 and a half kg's. Which I must say does lift my spirits quite a bit. And that is without any exercise at all. So if I resume my no junk food rule which I have sort of gone off the rails with this week, and also continue with my my newly established gym bunny vibes I should start actually seeing the results that I'm hoping for.

If only we could actually see this every time we stood on a scale...

Day by day...

So despite having a pretty relaxing day with the morning spent at the beach with rad friends and the afternoon spent napping, following a Saturday of volunteering at a cancer fundraiser and gyming - its been a pretty disheartening weekend. I am officially at the heaviest weight I've EVER been. I in turn caved on this whole eating plan thing with a binge. I had a negative exchange with my ex after things were going better. I feel as awful about that whole situation as ever - every last inch of me wants to be back in that relationship at this present moment. Plus my sister may not be able to come to my graduation. Which means my mom would have to come by herself which would be lame for her because its gonna be very daunting being thrust into a foreign social environment AND when I'm off with my friends going out (especially to the grad ball) then she's gonna be left all on her own. And I had been getting so amped for it to be the three of us going for cocktails, getting me all dressed for the ball, and me showing them my town. And I don't mean to be self-centered or anything but this is a really huge deal. I mean I'm the first person in our family to get a degree and it feels kinda awful that no-one besides my mom made the effort to actually save up for this so they could come. I mean I haven't even heard from my dad in like 2 months and he has expressed no desired to be there whatsoever. You just picture that typical American movie scene graduation day with all these people who love you around you, so proud of what you've achieved. And this is going to be yet another time - and the biggest by far - when I don't get that. At least I have my wonderful mother who is working so hard to be able to be there.

I know almost all my posts these days are just me feeling sorry for myself. To be honest, I can't really deny the fact that I am. And it really doesn't feel like things are going to get any better any time soon. There aren't many of my friends who know, and certainly my family has no idea how really bad I'm doing. I can go about my day when busy and surrounded by people as normal but inside I am in this state of despair. I feel alone and empty and lost. I can't concentrate on anything and my work is suffering immensely. And I don't know when that's gonna go away.

Despite everything I have to say thank you to my amazing friends. I really do love them more than they'll ever know and they're keeping me from sinking to that most awful level again.

Signing off for today with a video which did in fact manage to put a smile on my face. Thanks Ok Go...

I've been hoping for months, hoping for years, 

hoping I might forget.

Aw but it don't get much dumber, 

it don't get much dumber

Than trying to forget a girl when you love her.

And I, yeah I still need you, 

but what good's that gonna do? 

Needing is one thing, and getting- 

getting's another. 

Reality check...

I've had a few indulgent days. A few days where I let myself believe maybe things could be different. That maybe I had made a mistake and I could go back. And I still wish with every part of me that I could. But I have to face the facts. Remind myself all over again of the reality of what happened. Of what he did. And talking about it from a million different views and agonising over how we wish it was different isn't gonna make it so. Like I said a few posts ago, I have to remind myself that I can't accept the kind of hurt that he caused me. I have to remind myself that anyone who can knowingly betray me for so long and then when caught out can not even admit he'd done anything wrong or care that he'd hurt me so frikken much, is not someone I can be with. And as much as it hurts and as much as I wish we could just rewind back to before all this came out and just be happy again - that is never going to happen. that is never going to happen. I have to stop wanting it to. I just don't know how.

*Video of the day*

So this song is the 3rd most played track on my I-Tunes and kept me going through my first break-up (for obvious reasons :P). I think Christina Perri is so stunning and I love everything about this video - especially the amazing clothes and stunning dancing.

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts 

And tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me.

Who do you think you are? 

Project Runway - yay!

So I discovered that there is a new season of Project Runway out and even though there is the disappointment of no Heidi Klum presenting and all new judges, it is an allstar season which means some of my very favourites are back and have a second chance to win. I absolutely love love LOVE this show and I am so excited to see how they do all over again. My favourite contestants by far are definitely Mondo and April - they are both edgy and alternative but sill very classy. My ideal show would see them in the final. ^_^ I also like Rami and Jerrell's styles, they are really seasoned designers.

I can't wait to see how the competition is going to play out...

Song (and cover) of the day :D

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know 

...and this awesome cover by Walk off the Earth

Now and then I think of when we were together 

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me 

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember 

Soothing the soul...

I realised I haven't made a post about music for a really long time and I wanna start doing a regular song of the day or song of the week type of vibe.

I heard this song last year for the first time and fell instantly in love. Lana Del Ray is so effortlessly sublime...

Swinging in the backyard 

Pull up in your fast car

Whistling my name. 

Open up a beer

And you say get over here

And play a video game. 

I'm in his favourite sun dress

Watching me get undressed

Take that body downtown.

I say you the bestest

Lean in for a big kiss

Put his favourite perfume on.