Sunday, 4 March 2012

Day by day...

So despite having a pretty relaxing day with the morning spent at the beach with rad friends and the afternoon spent napping, following a Saturday of volunteering at a cancer fundraiser and gyming - its been a pretty disheartening weekend. I am officially at the heaviest weight I've EVER been. I in turn caved on this whole eating plan thing with a binge. I had a negative exchange with my ex after things were going better. I feel as awful about that whole situation as ever - every last inch of me wants to be back in that relationship at this present moment. Plus my sister may not be able to come to my graduation. Which means my mom would have to come by herself which would be lame for her because its gonna be very daunting being thrust into a foreign social environment AND when I'm off with my friends going out (especially to the grad ball) then she's gonna be left all on her own. And I had been getting so amped for it to be the three of us going for cocktails, getting me all dressed for the ball, and me showing them my town. And I don't mean to be self-centered or anything but this is a really huge deal. I mean I'm the first person in our family to get a degree and it feels kinda awful that no-one besides my mom made the effort to actually save up for this so they could come. I mean I haven't even heard from my dad in like 2 months and he has expressed no desired to be there whatsoever. You just picture that typical American movie scene graduation day with all these people who love you around you, so proud of what you've achieved. And this is going to be yet another time - and the biggest by far - when I don't get that. At least I have my wonderful mother who is working so hard to be able to be there.

I know almost all my posts these days are just me feeling sorry for myself. To be honest, I can't really deny the fact that I am. And it really doesn't feel like things are going to get any better any time soon. There aren't many of my friends who know, and certainly my family has no idea how really bad I'm doing. I can go about my day when busy and surrounded by people as normal but inside I am in this state of despair. I feel alone and empty and lost. I can't concentrate on anything and my work is suffering immensely. And I don't know when that's gonna go away.

Despite everything I have to say thank you to my amazing friends. I really do love them more than they'll ever know and they're keeping me from sinking to that most awful level again.

Signing off for today with a video which did in fact manage to put a smile on my face. Thanks Ok Go...

I've been hoping for months, hoping for years, 
hoping I might forget.
Aw but it don't get much dumber, 
it don't get much dumber
Than trying to forget a girl when you love her.
And I, yeah I still need you, 
but what good's that gonna do? 
Needing is one thing, and getting- 
getting's another. 

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