The hardest parts

Its been a very hard couple of days. The truth is I'm letting things slide and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've been in this place before. This place when I start losing motivation. When I can't concentrate to the point where working becomes near impossible - and the worst when not getting my work done starts to not matter that much anymore. I know what I need to do, I make lists and plans. But its like I can't actually get any of it done.

I have realised that there are two things that hit me the hardest in losing the person you love. The first is losing your best friend, losing the person who you tell everything, the person you plan your every day around, the person who is gonna worry whether or not you're ok. Its like the center of you're world has suddenly disappeared and you're lost and left scrambling for a way to go about your day. It just makes everything better to have a constant. To know that no matter how bad your day was that you're gonna be able to curl up in bed next to the person that you love and they're gonna wrap their arms around you and at least for that moment that is a guarantee. And to know that when things go right you get to have double the awesomeness because someone else is going to be just as happy for you as you are. Sharing your life somehow just makes it feel so much worth while.

The second thing is the blame that you take in everything going wrong. More than the hurt I take from his actions, infinitely more in fact, is the feeling that in the end it is my fault. The fact that if I had worked harder, been prettier or smarter or nicer or more fun or exciting or interesting, that if I was just enough - that things would have turned out differently. Its the worst feeling in the world. Cause failing once, and then failing again makes you feel like that's the way things are always going to turn out.

I'm signing off for the day to retire to the all-nighter I have ahead of me. I have a 5 page essay to complete and about 10 more tuts to mark.

Here is my song of the day. It is most definitely one of my quintessential break up songs and was introduced to me by the amazing lady who made me fall in love with this band, Miss Jess. The lyrics really resonate with me in phases like this. And lead singer Cherilyn MacNeil's vocals are just as uniquely sublime as always. This is certainly one of my favourite bands of all time. (Follow the link to have a listen...)

Dear Reader - Bend  

You say you do not want me because I want too much,

And I almost let you patronize me one last time.

But I don't want too much, 

I just want more than you've got.

So lack is not with either, 

We are merely a different size.