So not really sure what I am even writing about today. So you have been warned that this is not going to be a very worthwhile, eloquent or even coherent post. Just felt like reflecting on the state I'm in I guess. I have been feeling lonely, and don't get me wrong - I have many amazing friends around me all the time. But I've been feeling the kind of lonely that kicks in late at night when all you wish for is that person to cuddle up next to, when you're watching a series you used to watch together and all you want to do is discuss each character or contestant like you used to, when you see a couple holding hands and your chest wells up with just how empty your hand feels in that moment. I am a very physical person and I experience like actual physical aches just longing for someone to hold me, someone to cuddle, someone to feel connected to.
This is part of my journey. I know. I need to feel this way. I need to learn how to not feel this way as much. I need to get to a place where being alone isn't painful anymore. I'm not exactly sure how long that's going to take. But I am trying my hardest to make good choices about how to deal with it. It can be overwhelming and cause me to have moments of weakness. But I am pushing through. And hopefully it will be better eventually.
I have never been the kind of person who likes being by themselves. Ja sure, I can enjoy a lazy Sunday morning spent in my pj's looking gross and doing nothing but watching tv, or a nice long bubble bath. But by no means do I enjoy extended periods of alone time. If I could be around people all the time I would. And it makes it so much harder when you go from being in a relationship when you have the person you love around almost all the time, to being single and having to readjust to life on your own. Its not that I'm dependent. Its just that I like the comfort, the presence, the distraction...
Night time is the worst, falling asleep on my own is STILL hard, even though its been such a long time. My sleeping patterns have been insanely bad. When I am in my friend Julian's room I can fall asleep on his bed no problem, even with a room full of people. But then as soon as I'm back in my room and by myself again, bam, wide awake... And then I'll stay up all night and be so tired that I'll sleep all day :/
But enough moaning. This is just yet another phase I have to go through to get onto the other side of this whole business. And slowly the pieces will start to come back together. Broken hearts take time to heal. (good god that sounded cliched!) Sigh... I suppose all I can do is try and focus on all the things going on in my life, focus on my wonderful friends, my mountains of work, the very many parties this term - and try and power through the moments when I feel like this, when I feel weak, and broken, and alone.
Peace and love and posi vibes to all <3