So after four years of intense academic work, so far having gotten me an undergraduate Bachelor of Arts degree and hopefully now my Honours in Politics (granted I get this last frikken 10 000 word paper in :P And pass everything, of course) I feel even more lost than I did when I left high school. People are constanly asking me what I'm doing next and every time I explain the degree I have the first thing people say is "Sooooo, what can you do with that?" And I can honestly say, I really don't know what the heck I want to do with my life. The plan right now is to go home, work for a few months and get all my ducks in a row to go teach English to kids in Korea - an opportunity to simultaneously travel, earn well and start paying off my huge student loans and avoid the real world for a while longer. But what if that doesn't work out? And even if it does what am I going to do afterwards... There is the option of studying for another two years to complete my LLB (so I'll have 3 rather than just 2 degrees, just 2 just isn't enough, is it? :P). But even if so - then what?!? 99% of my friends have everything mapped out for them, they are studying career-specific degrees, they know where they're going, they're gonna be doctors, or engineers, or lawyers, or journalists. But I jsut really have no clue what I need to set my sights on and work towards.
The last few months and especially the last few weeks have found me questioning everything. I feel like I abandoned so much of myself when I came to uni. I am such a creative being and there are so many things which bring me such immense joy which I just let go by the wayside. Trouble is I never really felt confident in any of these other things enough to really commit to them. But I look around at other people engaged in things that they love and I just wish I had something which made me feel that way. And don't get me wrong, I have loved doing my Honours this year, and there have been areas in my studies which have made me feel really excited, most markedly my Ubuntu module. But I don't feel like I have a place for that interest. I don't feel like I'm intelligent enough to venture further into academia with it. And like I mentioned above, that's the same feeling I have with everything else I love. I have done a little sketch here and a little painting here and there in the last few months and that's made me miss making art SO much - but again its not like I some amazing talent in that area. And probably most prominently on my mind at the moment is that I absolutely am missing music, and most of all singing, more than I could possibly say. And even though it makes me so happy, I know once again I am not any kind of brilliant talent. Its just hard to understand how something can bring you so much joy and yet not be something of real significance in your life.
Maybe the next few months at home are exactly what I need. Maybe I need to just stop this freight train my life (and my brain) has seemed to be on for as long as I can remember and start doing the things that make me happy for a while - and just see what happens. So I am committing to writing, to sketching and painting, to finally learning to play my guitar, and to singing every moment I am not doing whatever menial job I am going to end up being stuck in, and I am going to make a concerted effort to put myself out there in terms of my creative side. At least that way I can either be told once and for all that none of these things are what I should be spending my time on, or maybe, juuuust maybe, find my niche and be told that in one tiny area maybe its more self-doubt than anything else that is holding me back.
Seriously need to get the creative juices flowing! And I will use this space as a platform for some of it, maybe :P (Seems like a good place to start seeing as I don't think that many people actually read this blog or even know it exists :P)
For now I will continue being lost and try and distract myself from this overwhelming state as much as possible.
Peace, love and bold brush strokes to all the other lost souls like me out there!