Too hard to explain

There's nothing that hurts more than hearing the exact words you wanted to, but hearing them too late.

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily 

I'm here to stay,

And make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use 

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend,

At least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

Update on life...

So in the 10 minutes I have before I have to rush off and while I hastily chug down a cup of sugarless coffee (second one in a row - decided to go cold turkey, be proud of me Miss Es!) here's a quick update on the shambles that is my life at the moment.

Crazy busy, behind on work, leaving for home in a few days (SO excited but so not ready in terms of the mounds of work which need to be covered before then), been gyming like a beast but PUT ON half a kg in the last week which made me sad but I didn't eat that well last week so that may be to blame, going back to treat less eating until I can get the numbers going in the other direction, tired all the time, and listening to lots of sappy love songs because still exceedingly heart sore and missing Sem like I cannot even explain.

On the up side I did a cool thing with my hair today (will try get someone to take a pic for me cause all the coolness is at the back). French braided it and then tucked the end of the braid up under the rest of it. :) And seeing my brother who is visiting from England and who I haven't seen in like 6 years or something should be beyond amazing. So all isn't too bleak.

Now I really do have to go. Gonna have tutlings waiting for me to impart my wisdom about the stereotypes of persecution in the scapegoating mechanism with specific reference to the use of the hamitic hypotheses in the Rwandan genocide, soon.

Much love to anyone who gives this thing the time of day. You are amazing. Here's a song another song which makes my heart smile. I hope it'll do the same for you. xx

Kimya Dawson - So Nice, So Smart

*Song of the day*

Kristian Matsson most definitely has one of THE sexiest singing voices on the planet. After a very long day of essay writing, meeting attending, and a very intense gym session and having been up for about 30 hours straight - this song made my heart smile. 

The Tallest Man on Earth - The Sparrow and the Medicine 

Oh I want to be your medicine, 

I want to feed the sparrow in your heart.

When we're covered by the thunder we'd become just one

and feel the lightning shard.

Splayed the wind apart.   

The hardest parts

Its been a very hard couple of days. The truth is I'm letting things slide and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've been in this place before. This place when I start losing motivation. When I can't concentrate to the point where working becomes near impossible - and the worst when not getting my work done starts to not matter that much anymore. I know what I need to do, I make lists and plans. But its like I can't actually get any of it done.

I have realised that there are two things that hit me the hardest in losing the person you love. The first is losing your best friend, losing the person who you tell everything, the person you plan your every day around, the person who is gonna worry whether or not you're ok. Its like the center of you're world has suddenly disappeared and you're lost and left scrambling for a way to go about your day. It just makes everything better to have a constant. To know that no matter how bad your day was that you're gonna be able to curl up in bed next to the person that you love and they're gonna wrap their arms around you and at least for that moment that is a guarantee. And to know that when things go right you get to have double the awesomeness because someone else is going to be just as happy for you as you are. Sharing your life somehow just makes it feel so much worth while.

The second thing is the blame that you take in everything going wrong. More than the hurt I take from his actions, infinitely more in fact, is the feeling that in the end it is my fault. The fact that if I had worked harder, been prettier or smarter or nicer or more fun or exciting or interesting, that if I was just enough - that things would have turned out differently. Its the worst feeling in the world. Cause failing once, and then failing again makes you feel like that's the way things are always going to turn out.

I'm signing off for the day to retire to the all-nighter I have ahead of me. I have a 5 page essay to complete and about 10 more tuts to mark.

Here is my song of the day. It is most definitely one of my quintessential break up songs and was introduced to me by the amazing lady who made me fall in love with this band, Miss Jess. The lyrics really resonate with me in phases like this. And lead singer Cherilyn MacNeil's vocals are just as uniquely sublime as always. This is certainly one of my favourite bands of all time. (Follow the link to have a listen...)

Dear Reader - Bend  

You say you do not want me because I want too much,

And I almost let you patronize me one last time.

But I don't want too much, 

I just want more than you've got.

So lack is not with either, 

We are merely a different size. 

A little ray of light :)

So there was obviously something faulty with the scale at gym on Saturday cause when I weighed myself again today it shows I'm 3 and a half kg's lighter than Saturday - which is obviously impossible.

So in fact, since I began this weight loss effort on the 1st of January I have lost 2 and a half kg's. Which I must say does lift my spirits quite a bit. And that is without any exercise at all. So if I resume my no junk food rule which I have sort of gone off the rails with this week, and also continue with my my newly established gym bunny vibes I should start actually seeing the results that I'm hoping for.

If only we could actually see this every time we stood on a scale...

Day by day...

So despite having a pretty relaxing day with the morning spent at the beach with rad friends and the afternoon spent napping, following a Saturday of volunteering at a cancer fundraiser and gyming - its been a pretty disheartening weekend. I am officially at the heaviest weight I've EVER been. I in turn caved on this whole eating plan thing with a binge. I had a negative exchange with my ex after things were going better. I feel as awful about that whole situation as ever - every last inch of me wants to be back in that relationship at this present moment. Plus my sister may not be able to come to my graduation. Which means my mom would have to come by herself which would be lame for her because its gonna be very daunting being thrust into a foreign social environment AND when I'm off with my friends going out (especially to the grad ball) then she's gonna be left all on her own. And I had been getting so amped for it to be the three of us going for cocktails, getting me all dressed for the ball, and me showing them my town. And I don't mean to be self-centered or anything but this is a really huge deal. I mean I'm the first person in our family to get a degree and it feels kinda awful that no-one besides my mom made the effort to actually save up for this so they could come. I mean I haven't even heard from my dad in like 2 months and he has expressed no desired to be there whatsoever. You just picture that typical American movie scene graduation day with all these people who love you around you, so proud of what you've achieved. And this is going to be yet another time - and the biggest by far - when I don't get that. At least I have my wonderful mother who is working so hard to be able to be there.

I know almost all my posts these days are just me feeling sorry for myself. To be honest, I can't really deny the fact that I am. And it really doesn't feel like things are going to get any better any time soon. There aren't many of my friends who know, and certainly my family has no idea how really bad I'm doing. I can go about my day when busy and surrounded by people as normal but inside I am in this state of despair. I feel alone and empty and lost. I can't concentrate on anything and my work is suffering immensely. And I don't know when that's gonna go away.

Despite everything I have to say thank you to my amazing friends. I really do love them more than they'll ever know and they're keeping me from sinking to that most awful level again.

Signing off for today with a video which did in fact manage to put a smile on my face. Thanks Ok Go...

I've been hoping for months, hoping for years, 

hoping I might forget.

Aw but it don't get much dumber, 

it don't get much dumber

Than trying to forget a girl when you love her.

And I, yeah I still need you, 

but what good's that gonna do? 

Needing is one thing, and getting- 

getting's another. 

Reality check...

I've had a few indulgent days. A few days where I let myself believe maybe things could be different. That maybe I had made a mistake and I could go back. And I still wish with every part of me that I could. But I have to face the facts. Remind myself all over again of the reality of what happened. Of what he did. And talking about it from a million different views and agonising over how we wish it was different isn't gonna make it so. Like I said a few posts ago, I have to remind myself that I can't accept the kind of hurt that he caused me. I have to remind myself that anyone who can knowingly betray me for so long and then when caught out can not even admit he'd done anything wrong or care that he'd hurt me so frikken much, is not someone I can be with. And as much as it hurts and as much as I wish we could just rewind back to before all this came out and just be happy again - that is never going to happen. that is never going to happen. I have to stop wanting it to. I just don't know how.