Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Thinking about the past while the future looms...

So I opened up this new window with the intention of writing an entirely different post, and then while looking for an image on We Heart It, I came across this little quote (thanks Christy) that really resonated with the way I've been feeling at the moment. With this whole Korea move looming, I feel as if I'm really on the edge of a precipice. Like I'm about to cross over a very distinct line between my past and my future. Like my life is truly about to begin. And whenever I am in these moments of great change, moving from one space to a completely new one, I always seem to get incredibly contemplative. I can't help but think about the past couple of years of my life, how I got to the point I'm at right now, and how I've changed over the last few years. 

The last 4 years were obviously my university days (which I sincerely hope are not over, but return again in some new and wonderful form later when I can actually afford to study again). I say this all the time and it is absolutely true that going to Rhodes really was the best decision of my life. I had both super wonderful times and incredibly difficult times there. I made some of the best friends I have ever had, and experienced the greatest heartache I have had to face (so far, at least). In the whole process I have learnt an incredible amount about who I am as a person. And I imagine that journey of self-discovery (as completely corny as that sounds) is going to continue and be exponentially more challenging and more rewarding in this new phase of life. But while I had amazing times at Rhodes there are a lot of things I wish I had done differently, and a lot of things I still don't really feel I've maybe gained complete closure over. As mentioned before I stress out about everything and tend to over-analyse situations and people all the time. So when a certain decision has - let's just say - a less than favourable outcome, I often struggle to accept or understand it in any other terms other than there must be some inherent flaw within my being that caused things not to work out. And that said inherent flaw is going to subsequently follow me around for the rest of my life and cause future endeavours of a similar nature to fail too. (I realise at this point that this is turning, once again, into one of those incredibly vague feelings-rants which make very little sense but I shall push through it none the less.)

And so its really hard not to let the baggage of my past get in the way of my future. This has been a problem of mine in relationships - letting the doubt instilled in me from previous experiences impact on the relationship I was in at the time, in a negative way. And even though it would be the exact opposite of what I wanted to do, I couldn't help but always carry the shadow of my past failures into all the undertakings which followed, to their detriment. A very big reason why I felt like I needed, at this point, to do something this bold - to go to another country and start a completely new life away from everything I know - is because I feel I need to be reminded that there is so much more out there. Sometimes one can get stuck in these little bubbles in your mind which really restrict what you feel is possible for yourself. And no amount of positive thinking or pep talking can convince you that its ever going to be otherwise. Until you actually go out there, experience something new, and can no longer deny that things are in fact not the way they seem, and that life will constantly surprise you - in challenging and amazing ways. I need to see that there is new and there is different and there is exciting and there is more - and most important of all, that I can thrive within that. (This is not, for a second to say that I am not leaving behind an incredible amount of amazing, because I am - in my special family, my wonderful friends, and my beautiful country. But for my own personal growth, I just feel like I need a paradigm shift.)

I'm not sure if any of this rambling will make any sense to anyone else out there. I just think sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not the sum of our past experiences. And that past experiences sometimes need to stay just that - past experiences. Take all the good that you can from them and then move on. Because if previous bad times are going to linger over the rest of your life they could prevent you from fully embracing all the great ones to come. 

Peace and love and new beginnings to all the wonderful souls out there <3


  1. This is such a beautiful and insightful post. Never lose grasp of the notion that there IS always more - and you should never stop trying to reach out for it. It's natural to have anxieties and ruts based on your past but you can get through it! I look forward to your future posts xx

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  2. Such an amazing post!Your blog is lovely!!!! Would you like to follow each other on bloglovin' ? xxx
    Gleaming Spire // Bloglovin'

  3. Thank you so much for the follow.
    Follow you back on bloglovin.
    Lovely greets

  4. Thank you all so much!! Sorry I have been quiet - have just done the huge move from South Africa to South Korea. Regular blogging will resume as of tomorrow! :)