Feeling a little lost...

So after four years of intense academic work, so far having gotten me an undergraduate Bachelor of Arts degree and hopefully now my Honours in Politics (granted I get this last frikken 10 000 word paper in :P And pass everything, of course) I feel even more lost than I did when I left high school. People are constanly asking me what I'm doing next and every time I explain the degree I have the first thing people say is "Sooooo, what can you do with that?" And I can honestly say, I really don't know what the heck I want to do with my life. The plan right now is to go home, work for a few months and get all my ducks in a row to go teach English to kids in Korea - an opportunity to simultaneously travel, earn well and start paying off my huge student loans and avoid the real world for a while longer. But what if that doesn't work out? And even if it does what am I going to do afterwards... There is the option of studying for another two years to complete my LLB (so I'll have 3 rather than just 2 degrees, just 2 just isn't enough, is it? :P). But even if so - then what?!? 99% of my friends have everything mapped out for them, they are studying career-specific degrees, they know where they're going, they're gonna be doctors, or engineers, or lawyers, or journalists. But I jsut really have no clue what I need to set my sights on and work towards.

The last few months and especially the last few weeks have found me questioning everything. I feel like I abandoned so much of myself when I came to uni. I am such a creative being and there are so many things which bring me such immense joy which I just let go by the wayside. Trouble is I never really felt confident in any of these other things enough to really commit to them. But I look around at other people engaged in things that they love and I just wish I had something which made me feel that way. And don't get me wrong, I have loved doing my Honours this year, and there have been areas in my studies which have made me feel really excited, most markedly my Ubuntu module. But I don't feel like I have a place for that interest. I don't feel like I'm intelligent enough to venture further into academia with it. And like I mentioned above, that's the same feeling I have with everything else I love. I have done a little sketch here and a little painting here and there in the last few months and that's made me miss making art SO much - but again its not like I some amazing talent in that area. And probably most prominently on my mind at the moment is that I absolutely am missing music, and most of all singing, more than I could possibly say. And even though it makes me so happy, I know once again I am not any kind of brilliant talent. Its just hard to understand how something can bring you so much joy and yet not be something of real significance in your life.

Maybe the next few months at home are exactly what I need. Maybe I need to just stop this freight train my life (and my brain) has seemed to be on for as long as I can remember and start doing the things that make me happy for a while - and just see what happens. So I am committing to writing, to sketching and painting, to finally learning to play my guitar, and to singing every moment I am not doing whatever menial job I am going to end up being stuck in, and I am going to make a concerted effort to put myself out there in terms of my creative side. At least that way I can either be told once and for all that none of these things are what I should be spending my time on, or maybe, juuuust maybe, find my niche and be told that in one tiny area maybe its more self-doubt than anything else that is holding me back.

Seriously need to get the creative juices flowing! And I will use this space as a platform for some of it, maybe :P (Seems like a good place to start seeing as I don't think that many people actually read this blog or even know it exists :P)

For now I will continue being lost and try and distract myself from this overwhelming state as much as possible.

Peace, love and bold brush strokes to all the other lost souls like me out there!

Song of the week...

I was recently introduced to this indie-folk number from Iceland and I am loving them to bits...

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks 

It's coming on Christmas...

So admittedly Christmas has never been my favourite time of the year. Generally it tends to make me a little sad and has often been accompanied by family drama of some kind... But this year my mom and I have started talking about decorations and things (we don't usually have the chance to really do much) and it got me excited... Maybe its just my thinking of things to keep myself busy with now that I'm gonna be back home for a really long time, or maybe its just my being inspired by a beautiful and unique homemade tree I came across - but either way I am getting amped so that's all that counts. Maybe this year it will be a merrier Christmas than usual :P

Because we do live in SA and don't really do the real Christmas tree thing (a practice I don't really think is the greatest anyway), and because most plastic, stoep-green trees can often look scraggly and to be honest, downright tacky, I absolutely love the idea of creating unusual and unique Christmas trees yourself. I would really like to think of something like one of these for my mom and I to do ourselves in our flat. :) I love simple, whimsical designs and also love the use of earthy elements. Here are some super pretty ones I found pics of... 

I love the use of rough bits of wood and the scattered but balanced use of a few delicate decorations, and the lighting makes it!

This is such a cute and nifty idea using something a lot of people would have at home already. Love it!

This idea is absolutely gorgeous and something that you could really personalise to the max, and is also useful  for places without too much room to fit a big tree it. This is a cheerful play on the traditional idea... 

This is one which takes minimal effort but still looks really rad - one specially for book lovers ^_^

This is an even simpler version of the first on the list and once again is a simple, earthy style which eliminates any of the usual garishness of Christmas decor. 

 My beautiful friend Katie has a super special tree of her own, one her parents made out of pieces of driftwood, and it is absolutely stunning!! Her and I and a couple of friends have begun the tradition of decorating it together every year and here are some snaps of our antics... ^_^

And I can't end off a post about Christmas without sharing my absolute favourite Christmas song of all time by the stunning Joni Mitchell. It is admittedly pretty sad but absolutely beautiful... 

So here's in anticipation of creating pretty, homemade decorations, giving (and getting!) super thoughtful gifts, spending time with the ones we love, and of course, eating your weight in mince pies!! 

Peace and love and jingle bells... <3

Song of the week...

Recently rediscovered this song from the movie Once... Been listening to it on repeat and I still just never get over how stunning it is. Gonna have to watch this movie again once I get the pesky little thing that is my last ever university exam out of the way :P

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova 

The end of times - Rhodes times, that is...

So it is all coming to an end. In exactly a month and two days I will be leaving Grahamstown for good, only to return for a weekend when I graduate next year and then possibly never again. These last two essays I write, and this final exam, may be the last pieces of work I ever do for a degree. My university career is almost officially over. Needless to say, this is an exceedingly scary prospect. This place is all I have known for the last four years. And now once again I need to bid adieu to an entire phase of life, and boldly charge (more like awkwardly stumble) into the next one. 

Obviously this time period becomes riddled with nostalgia - lots of reminiscing, looking back, 'talking fondly of the good old days' as if we're a bunch of geezers who've lived through an age. But we have certainly come far from the over-excitable bunch of first years who first entered this debaucherous little town. So pouring over four years worth of photos (and anyone who knows me, knows that equals a flip load, me being a complete photo whore and all :P), I went about the very difficult task of picking a few out to have a little look back over the time... 

1st year - 2009
City Bowl gig in pjs
First night out in g-town with the res girls in o-week
Rat jam with my instant soul mate, Sharlz
Playing dress up in my res room

2nd year - 2010
Lumo vibes with my bestie!
Lady Gaga themed corridor party in res
Leavers dinner
The first boyf, B-rad 

3rd year - 2011
Boat Races, baby!
House sitting with The-O & Miss Es
One of many pre-drinks
My T-themed g-town edition of my 21st

4th year - 2012
Graduation!!!
Ree's 21st with Gabz & Claire (a.k.a the night of the deadly punch)
Body piles at FUSH
Leavers dinner with my Slovo boys

Looking back is completely surreal. So much has happened, so much has changed, I honestly can't believe how fast time has gone or how much has gone time during it. What is for sure is that the wonderful memories certainly outweigh the sucky ones, and I will cherish the time I have had here and the people I have known forever. I feel incredibly lucky to have ended up in this place.

Now it is time for new and unknown adventures. Going to truly be at the hands of what is the harsh and incredibly uncertain real world. I know that I am ready to leave this place, to move on, to grow more and see more and start really living. But that certainly doesn't make leaving all this wonderfulness any easier. 

Here's to awesome pasts and exciting futures!!

Peace and love and rainbows to all ^_^