So, I am currently dying (yes DYING :P) of what I can only assume is some sort of flu or cold, after having spent a whole day in bed on Tuesday from horrendous stomach cramps and nausea. This at the very start of my academic year when I really should be on top of my game. Oh ja - and did I mention I broke up with my boyfriend like a week ago. Let's just say I'm in the mood for a moan... (A give whoever is reading this right now full permission to stop and go find something worthwhile to fill your time :P)
To put it plainly, I am struggling. And the illness and ever increasing mountain of work looming ahead of me are the least of my worries. What's taking the hardest toll is being alone. And of course I am not really alone. I have wonderful friends who have been as amazing as they always are - visiting me, messaging, bringing me nice things. I cannot for a secong deny how lucky I am to have them all. But when I say alone, I mean without him.
(And so beings the sob story...)
I am still completely in love with him. And I know its so recent and it all takes time but all those little catch phrases are really useless when you've spent the last three nights crying yourself to sleep like a three year old who's lost their favourite teddy bear. (I warned you - feeling very sorry for myself). When I made the decision to end the relationship because of some stuff that had been hidden from me - stuff that he had known I was completely and utterly against but had gone ahead and done anyway - I knew it would be hard. But you never really know how hard, do you? I mean I was sitting in the Rat and Parrot on a big night out and nearly started crying when the highlights of a Chelsea game came on the screen. (Can anyone say basket case???)
The last (and my first) break up I went through ripped me to shreads. I mean I was absolutely in a million pieces, completely broken. And it took me a really long time to pick myself up again. This time is completely different. I am moving along fine. I am getting up every morning, I'm doing what I have to do, I am putting on a happy face and making small talk and laughing and smiling at appropriate intervals. But once I get to the end of the night and I'm sitting alone on my bed the aching pain in my chest isn't just a metaphorical one. I can literally feel my heart ache and my whole chest well up and tighten with the anxiety of not being able to be where he is right at that moment - because its all I want in the world.
Its really easy, when it happens to let the anger and the hurt fuel you and to go over all the hundreds of things that were wrong with your relationship in your mind. At the end of the day we are just too different. That's how I reconciled myself. But now that the angst and resentment has died down all you're left with is the reality of everything you've lost, all that you are missing out on, the day you could be having if only...