So, I woke up around 3am this morning because I had fallen asleep so early last night. Sleeping too much is always my warning sign. When I feel like I'm slipping into those very scary grips of depression again the constant need to just sleep my days away because its easier to be asleep than to be thinking the things I am thinking and all motivation to do anything, even if its just to wash my hair so I can walk to the dining hall, ceases to exist. But I refuse to let that happen.
As much as I hate this break up I cannot keep ripping myself to shreds by constantly going over all I have lost in my head and how much I would give to get it back. As painful as it is maybe I still need the anger and the hurt and the resentment to be around for a little longer. I need to keep reminding myself that as hard as my decision was, I made it for a reason. I made it because I know I deserve better. I made it because that issue was something which I refuse to compromise on. I made it because he knowingly engaged in stuff he knew would hurt me infinitely and because I was never worth enough to him, for him to respect my beliefs or feelings or respect me as the woman he was dating. As heart wrenching as it is to keep going over it in my head I have to remind myself that accepting something that I am so strongly against would do serious damage to. And I have to remind myself what he did, the lies and deceit, the complete disregard for me and my feelings, is the very thing that will mean I relationship will never ever work again. Because even if he had to NOW make a promise never to engage in such things again I would still always know that even if he's not doing it for me it is part of his true self and I will forever feel inadequate and infinitely doubtful.
I just wish so much that he hadn't let me down. The worst of it all is that I really, really did not see this coming. As insecure and untrusting as I am as a result of my previous experience in the world of men, I really did believe him when he told me he didn't partake of such things. And I really was shocked that he thought it was completely OK to completely betray me like that.
If I keep all these things in mind - not to mention the fact that he never, through the entire break up process, didn't make any attempt to fight for me or our relationship, not even for a second was I important enough to him for that - then there is no other conclusion than the fact that I am going to have to go on living with a smile on my face but in reality being absolutely hollow on the inside. I am going to feel incomplete, broken. And I am going to feel that way for a very long time. But that is simply my fate. And I have no power to change it.
For now I am going to get up off of this bed (even though its only 4am in the morning) and I am going to get shit done. I am going to finish sorting my room. I am going to go to gym. I am going to get busy living. And hopefully the distraction of my endless to do lists will help curb the constant pain behind it all.
The only thing I don't know how to do, is distract myself from the fact that once again I haven't been enough for yet another person in my life. And that this only reinforcing that ever-present belief I can't seem to shake that I'm never going to be.