*Video of the day*

So this song is the 3rd most played track on my I-Tunes and kept me going through my first break-up (for obvious reasons :P). I think Christina Perri is so stunning and I love everything about this video - especially the amazing clothes and stunning dancing.

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts 

And tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me.

Who do you think you are? 

Project Runway - yay!

So I discovered that there is a new season of Project Runway out and even though there is the disappointment of no Heidi Klum presenting and all new judges, it is an allstar season which means some of my very favourites are back and have a second chance to win. I absolutely love love LOVE this show and I am so excited to see how they do all over again. My favourite contestants by far are definitely Mondo and April - they are both edgy and alternative but sill very classy. My ideal show would see them in the final. ^_^ I also like Rami and Jerrell's styles, they are really seasoned designers.

I can't wait to see how the competition is going to play out...

Song (and cover) of the day :D

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know 

...and this awesome cover by Walk off the Earth

Now and then I think of when we were together 

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me 

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember 

Soothing the soul...

I realised I haven't made a post about music for a really long time and I wanna start doing a regular song of the day or song of the week type of vibe.

I heard this song last year for the first time and fell instantly in love. Lana Del Ray is so effortlessly sublime...

Swinging in the backyard 

Pull up in your fast car

Whistling my name. 

Open up a beer

And you say get over here

And play a video game. 

I'm in his favourite sun dress

Watching me get undressed

Take that body downtown.

I say you the bestest

Lean in for a big kiss

Put his favourite perfume on. 

Timetable of awesomeness!

So its Monday, generally people's most dreaded of days - the start of the week. Luckingly this year I'm not one of those people :P I have Mondays completely free except for a sub-warden meeting at 8am, AND Tuesdays completely free except for a the first year tut I take at 9:35. (And later in the term I will probably do my volunteer work on Tuesdays day too.) Overall - life is pretty sweet. But I have to remember this is NOT free time - its the time I have to spend doing the insane amount of readings and preparation required for my honours course. Not being under a lot of pressure time wise (or at least not feeling as if I am) is going to mean a lot more self-discipline. But I can do it.

First task for today (after my meeting this morning) is sort my frikken room out! (It is still in a shambles and not completely unpacked :P) then head down the hill to collect my tut file and sort out grad stuff. Then I've got a mountain of reading to look forward to because I need to get through at least the first years' stuff and my first module's worth today to be on track for the rest of the week.

Wish me luck :)

The proof is in the pudding...

So on a very different note to my last two posts I wanted to upload the frikken amazing pudding I made for my mom and I on Christmas day ^_^ Super simple but SUPER delicious. Its a lemon cream fridge tart topped with peaches, blueberries and raspberries... I sure do love me some fridge tart :P

Pulling myself together (maybe, sorta, kinda - or at least just pretending to)

So, I woke up around 3am this morning because I had fallen asleep so early last night. Sleeping too much is always my warning sign. When I feel like I'm slipping into those very scary grips of depression again the constant need to just sleep my days away because its easier to be asleep than to be thinking the things I am thinking and all motivation to do anything, even if its just to wash my hair so I can walk to the dining hall, ceases to exist. But I refuse to let that happen.

As much as I hate this break up I cannot keep ripping myself to shreds by constantly going over all I have lost in my head and how much I would give to get it back. As painful as it is maybe I still need the anger and the hurt and the resentment to be around for a little longer. I need to keep reminding myself that as hard as my decision was, I made it for a reason. I made it because I know I deserve better. I made it because that issue was something which I refuse to compromise on. I made it because he knowingly engaged in stuff he knew would hurt me infinitely and because I was never worth enough to him, for him to respect my beliefs or feelings or respect me as the woman he was dating. As heart wrenching as it is to keep going over it in my head I have to remind myself that accepting something that I am so strongly against would do serious damage to. And I have to remind myself what he did, the lies and deceit, the complete disregard for me and my feelings, is the very thing that will mean I relationship will never ever work again. Because even if he had to NOW make a promise never to engage in such things again I would still always know that even if he's not doing it for me it is part of his true self and I will forever feel inadequate and infinitely doubtful.

I just wish so much that he hadn't let me down. The worst of it all is that I really, really did not see this coming. As insecure and untrusting as I am as a result of my previous experience in the world of men, I really did believe him when he told me he didn't partake of such things. And I really was shocked that he thought it was completely OK to completely betray me like that.

If I keep all these things in mind - not to mention the fact that he never, through the entire break up process, didn't make any attempt to fight for me or our relationship, not even for a second was I important enough to him for that - then there is no other conclusion than the fact that I am going to have to go on living with a smile on my face but in reality being absolutely hollow on the inside. I am going to feel incomplete, broken. And I am going to feel that way for a very long time. But that is simply my fate. And I have no power to change it.

For now I am going to get up off of this bed (even though its only 4am in the morning) and I am going to get shit done. I am going to finish sorting my room. I am going to go to gym. I am going to get busy living. And hopefully the distraction of my endless to do lists will help curb the constant pain behind it all.

The only thing I don't know how to do, is distract myself from the fact that once again I haven't been enough for yet another person in my life. And that this only reinforcing that ever-present belief I can't seem to shake that I'm never going to be.

Sick as a dog and feeling sorry for myself...

So, I am currently dying (yes DYING :P) of what I can only assume is some sort of flu or cold, after having spent a whole day in bed on Tuesday from horrendous stomach cramps and nausea. This at the very start of my academic year when I really should be on top of my game. Oh ja - and did I mention I broke up with my boyfriend like a week ago. Let's just say I'm in the mood for a moan... (A give whoever is reading this right now full permission to stop and go find something worthwhile to fill your time :P)

To put it plainly, I am struggling. And the illness and ever increasing mountain of work looming ahead of me are the least of my worries. What's taking the hardest toll is being alone. And of course I am not really alone. I have wonderful friends who have been as amazing as they always are - visiting me, messaging, bringing me nice things. I cannot for a secong deny how lucky I am to have them all. But when I say alone, I mean without him.

(And so beings the sob story...)

I am still completely in love with him. And I know its so recent and it all takes time but all those little catch phrases are really useless when you've spent the last three nights crying yourself to sleep like a three year old who's lost their favourite teddy bear. (I warned you - feeling very sorry for myself). When I made the decision to end the relationship because of some stuff that had been hidden from me - stuff that he had known I was completely and utterly against but had gone ahead and done anyway - I knew it would be hard. But you never really know how hard, do you? I mean I was sitting in the Rat and Parrot on a big night out and nearly started crying when the highlights of a Chelsea game came on the screen. (Can anyone say basket case???)

The last (and my first) break up I went through ripped me to shreads. I mean I was absolutely in a million pieces, completely broken. And it took me a really long time to pick myself up again. This time is completely different. I am moving along fine. I am getting up every morning, I'm doing what I have to do, I am putting on a happy face and making small talk and laughing and smiling at appropriate intervals. But once I get to the end of the night and I'm sitting alone on my bed the aching pain in my chest isn't just a metaphorical one. I can literally feel my heart ache and my whole chest well up and tighten with the anxiety of not being able to be where he is right at that moment - because its all I want in the world.

Its really easy, when it happens to let the anger and the hurt fuel you and to go over all the hundreds of things that were wrong with your relationship in your mind. At the end of the day we are just too different. That's how I reconciled myself. But now that the angst and resentment has died down all you're left with is the reality of everything you've lost, all that you are missing out on, the day you could be having if only...