Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Down but not quite out...

So haven't been doing too great lately, and it pains me to make my first official non-happy post on this blog but I guess it had to happen sometime...

So why life is pretty sucky at the moment... Firstly its exams and as if I didn't hate exams enough already, I have been allocated THE worst timetable EVER. I have written 2 in the last 2 days and write on Thursday and Friday. Yes, that means FOUR 3rd year papers, i.e. the majors in the final and hardest year of my degree, in the space of 5 days. Last night my efforts to have another nearly sleepless night studying back fired and I fell asleep and lost around 5 hours of vital study time. It might not seem like a lot, but when I literally had just 12 hours between my first paper and the next, it really is. Basically had a mini-meltdown this morning because I honestly did not feel like I could get the minimum I needed to for this paper. You know its bad when you have to make sure you've wiped off all the of the mascara-laden tear stains down your face before you leave to go write your exam. Now that it is over, I'm still not sure but there's not much I can do about that now. And I basically have absolutely everything riding on this year. But enough about that - I have shed enough tears and wailed at enough of my friends for one day :P (Shout out to Jamie John Bezuidenhout for being the awesome guy he is ;P)

Secondly, and something which puts my exam stress completely in perspective, there was an awful car accident in which two people were killed just outside Grahamstown, a girl who lives in the res just near mine, and I guy who I've seen around g-town a thousand times... Both were good friends with many people I know. Even though I didn't know either of them personally, it is absolutely awful and it has been yet another source of tears over the last 2 days reading the statuses and posts from their friends. I can't help but imagine the unbelievable pain they must be in, not to mention their families! Its just so inconceivable that 2 young, vibrant people with their entire lives ahead of them should be taken from this world. I am sending as much love as I can to all that knew them. :'(

Yet another addition to my current state of emotional turmoil was a message received from my ex-boyfriend a few days ago. Now I know that months down the line, something as insignificant as an sms should not affect me like this but it just has sort of brought up all of the dregs of emotion still dwelling inside of me - and at THE most inconvenient time at that. As much as I have not lost my belief in love, it is times like these that make me think that life would have been a lot simpler if I hadn't found out what it really meant. Because once you've had it and then you lose it, a part of you gets lost with it. And I'm trying to decide which is worse - the time when you're still in love but you know its over for good, or the time when you're not in love anymore and all you have left (amongst the hurt and the resentment) is the memory of what it used to feel like. 
This is by far the my deepest and most revealing post yet. And I do feel a little vulnerable sending such personal musings out into the big wide world. But his is one of the reasons I wanted to do this whole blog thing. To share and express. And not just the good but the bad too. 

On a more positive note, I do have A LOT to look forward to once these exams are over. More deets to follow - but let me just say for now that MAJOR ish is going to be going down. . .

For now I'm signing out to return to my studies. Currently engrossed in the Law of Persons (at least much more interesting than the content of the paper I wrote today even if there is in fact even more to actually learn). Here's to the nasciturus fiction, domicile, prodigals, curators, lots of latin terminology and cases involving people with some of the weirdest names I have ever heard - case in point with Mr. Beaglehole (I mean, really?). 

Signed: Down but not quite out. . .


  1. Love you Tam Tam. Even though I didn't know those two people, and even though I'm miles away, i found myself awake at 4am and crying my eyes out. Its not so much as the fact that they are gone and at a better place. Its the fact that no one got to say goodbye to them and vice versa. It breaks my heart. And as for the studies... its a stressful time for anyone. And I know how it feels. But I have faith in you. The one thing i do know for sure is that if you do unfortunately fall down, you have the greatest ability to get up again and keep on going. Love you loads Tam. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xx

  2. Thank you lovely Nicy! You were always one for the reassuring talks pep talks! :) I really, really appreciate it. <3