So I’ve been thinking a lot about
love lately. About how it happens. About how we fall in love and when and why. About
what it does to us, how it makes us feel and act. And about how we even know
that that’s what’s happening, that that’s really what we’re feeling. I have
felt very differently on the subject at various times in my life. Depending, I
suppose, on where exactly I sat with love at each particular moment.
Like, for example, how do we
really know that we are not duping ourselves into this magical fantasy borne by
a need to fulfil our desperate longing for comfort, for company, for acceptance
– and ultimately to be loved back? I know, that I, for example, have an
abundance of issues (daddy issues, abandonment issues, insecurity issues, body
issues etc. etc.). Basically, I am a basket case. And at times I have worried
about these things both perhaps making it too easy for me to fall in love, and
at the same time, making me too insecure to accept the reality of someone
actually loving me back. (You know the old “we only accept the love we think we
deserve” thing.)
The first time I realised (decided?)
I had found this amazing, wondrous thing called love – as in I had FALLEN IN
LOVE with someone, it was simultaneously the most exhilarating and most
terrifying thing I had ever felt. It was a reality that had been creeping up on
me for a while, but which, once I had allowed it to take over me, did just that
– latched onto every ounce of my being, refusing to dissipate.
I also remember, admitting this
to the person with whom I had these oh-so-overwhelming feelings for, and it
being one of the most awful experiences of my life. It’s something I haven’t
thought about in such a long time, and even know, my chest is physically
tightening just at the memory, welling up with anxiety recalling how I felt
that momentous night. Now, I realise now, although the delivery could have
admittedly perhaps been a tad more tactful, that the person in question was in
fact doing the right thing in being honest about where they stood in the grand
scheme of this while love deal. (Even though, it was perhaps not the most
conducive space for that person to be in for my very first declaration of such
feelings from my side – though this was no fault of their own). But basically,
the response I got consisted of two things – 1. I didn’t really know what “being
in love meant” and 2. He couldn’t promise me that he would reciprocate such
feelings (due to past issues in this area). The first thing infuriated me (how
could he presume to tell me what I was and was not feeling), and the second
thing very nearly shattered me (being an already incredibly insecure girl to
begin with, with a mortal fear of having no one ever falling in love with her).
I remember, running in tears to friends and sitting crying my eyes out for what
seemed like ages at having received this response, after having made myself so
vulnerable to this other person.
Obviously, this memory is such an
ancient one, and it barely seems to factor in the grand scheme of that
relationship – for we both did go onto having an incredibly intense connection
in the end, and undoubtedly both fell very much in love with one another (despite
it not ending in the greatest way). And as first loves go, despite the eventual
pain caused later on, I certainly did experience something magical and
wondrous. I truly did learn what it felt like to get completely consumed by
this powerful force, and what it felt like to truly and unshakably (however fleetingly)
loved by another human being.
But this memory does make me
wonder so much about this intangible, unquantifiable thing that we all long for
so much and yet which we cannot define or explain with any kind of certainty.
How much of love is a decision? How much of it is steered by our past
experiences, our deep rooted needs? How much do our scars hinder or heighten our
ability to even fall in love in the first place?
The only other person I have had
this real love experience with provided me with an admittedly much more
positive “declaration moment,” if you will. It actually is one of the loveliest
memories I have of our relationship and still makes me smile to this day. After
weeks of us saying other silly things to each other while really knowing what
we meant, but not daring to use those actual three little words, I finally felt
the time had come for me to pluck up the courage and just say it. After my
first experience of doing so, I was understandably super nervous about
repeating this experience, it not exactly having been something which had imbued
me with much confidence. But I was going to do it anyway, I decided. And as I
sat there in front of him on the bed, my nerves absolutely killing me, I
thought I should start with a little disclaimer, you know – I want to say something
but I totally don’t expect you to like reciprocate or anything, etc. etc. –
which I rambled off rather incoherently and at lightning speed. And realising
exactly what I was obviously about to say he quickly interrupted and said it
first. Of course his flippen competitive self had to beat me to it. :P But it
wasn’t just that, I’m sure. I think he knew that that was exactly what I needed
– to hear it as a first offering rather than a response, to quell my ever
doubtful and insecure self. It truly was a one of those movie type moments, too
adorable to feel real, and filling me with a kind of giddiness I cannot
explain. (And now I am tearing up just writing about it! I am hopeless, I know.)
How is it that, even though these
experiences of love happened so long ago, and even though so much has happened
since them, they still touch me to my core when I think about them? Both my
experiences of love ended in quite soul destroying ways I must say, though both
very different from one another. And some days the pain caused lingers more
than the love does. But mostly it’s not actually the bad things that happened
that hurts the most – but rather the fact that these things meant the loss of
love. They meant I had to give up something I was desperate to hold onto,
something that was so precious to me that I had found in this other person – that
exquisite and magical and wondrous feeling of love.
Ultimately, I don’t have answers
to any of these questions (like most of my blog posts – this one is utterly
void of any real use :P), but in saying that it probably doesn’t really matter
that much in the end. Don’t get me wrong – from really, really young I have
always thought that it is extremely important to be self-aware, to understand
who you are, what you have been through, and how your past experiences have an
effect on the choices you make later on in life. But really, no matter where
this love thing comes from it is something beautiful – a feeling which really
can’t be compared to anything else in the world. Of the many negative effects
of being in this space of in-love-ness, I shall not speak now; this is perhaps
another blog post for another day. For now I just want to say, I really cannot
come anywhere close to adequately expressing how much I appreciate those people
in my life who gave me the opportunity to love them, and to be loved by them.
To all those in or out of love –
I wish you peace and love like you’ve never felt before (even if you have to
wait a little while for it to come along), and in the mean-time – there are
always chocolate chip cookies! :)
Hellogoodbye - Oh, It Is Love
Your heart may long for love that is more near
So when I'm gone these words will be here
To ease every fear
And dry every tear
And make it very clear
I kiss you and I know
No comments:
Post a Comment