Thursday, 25 August 2011

The "L" word

So I am in this new relationship and of course the further along things go the more you start to think about those 3 little words... Now I am naturally a very affectionate person and express that all the time. I tell my friends I love them all the time and to me its just natural. With the people I care about its the normal way to end a phone call or say goodbye when you're parting ways. But as soon as you get into a relationship, suddenly those 3 little words that you use all the time with other people you care about suddenly become the biggest taboo. You can't say them too early for fear of freaking the other person out or them seeming insincere. So you wait. Even once you know that they're true. You don't want to be the first to say them - just in case you don't hear them back. But when it gets to a point where you're not just stopping yourself from saying them offhandedly, and are stopping yourself from saying them despite them being how you truly feel - that starts to feel insincere in itself.

So I got to the point with my boyfriend (who I hope hasn't suddenly taken an interest in reading my blog :P) despite us having only been together a relatively short time, nearly 2 months or so, where I really feel that way. Its weird how you know. But you just do. When its a sudden realisation (like with my last boyfriend and also my first love - I can remember the exact moment very distinctly down to where I was and what I was doing) or whether it creeps up on you in a way that feels as natural as breathing. But having that realisation is scary. Having been in love before and having that person ending up hurting me immensely, letting yourself go to that place again is pretty terrifying. Plus the telling of that boyfriend I loved him was also not a very pleasant experience in terms of his reaction at the time. But its not exactly something that one can help, I guess. Cause here I am. Nearly a year after we broke up for good, in love with someone who had been a friend for the last 2 and a half years and with whom I never expected I'd be in this position.

And yesterday somehow the topic of these 3 little words came up because of those clumsy second nature sayings that we use everyday and that in any other context would be uttered with another thought. First I logged on to check my facebook and because I had no notifications mock-sadly exclaimed "Nobody loves me!" And as soon as I said it I knew his first instinct was to say "I do." But of course he couldn't... Then later on I went to my friend's room to get him a rusk for his coffee and she gave me her very last one so when I gave it to him I said, "Look how loved you are..." He promptly replied, "Yho, I'm love, am I?" And I trued to respond with a sufficient amount of flippancy, saying " Its just a figure of speech, gosh!" But had to turn away, cause I was really embarrassed at making the slip. His reaction however wasn't one of discomfort like I had expected. He was beaming ear to ear, despite having acknowledged that fact that he know it was just something people say...

Now a while back we had been lying in bed and all I had wanted to do was say those dangerous and glorious three little words. But like I said before, I didn't want to be the first to say them because what if he didn't say them back? So I went with the playful and unassuming, "I like your face." And it stuck. And soon he was saying it back. And with just as much conviction that I was saying them. He knew exactly what I meant when I was saying it. And this he told me last night. He is rather astute with such things, I will admit. And he pretty much admitted that he'd been saying it back with the same intention as I had.

So why do these eight letters paralyze us so? Why can my stomach fill with butterflies at hearing our own little expression of affection because I know what it really represents. But what it really represents can't actually be said outright. It is funny and is one of those many things that highlight to me just how strange a bunch of creatures us humans are. It also reminded me of an old movie from about 10 years ago called Love and Sex. Now I didn't particularly like this movie at all but there has always been one line that has stuck with me since watching it. I can't remember exactly what it was but I remember one of the characters talking about old couples who have been together for so many years that saying I love you becomes the same thing as something as arbitrary as a cheese sandwich. And of course the cheese sandwich becomes a motif throughout the movie for an expression of love all culminating in the line of "I cheese sandwich you."

So I urge all not to get caught up in the hype around this silly little phrase become more important than the feelings behind it. Because we lay there in bed last night, fingers interlocked and limbs overlapping and comfortable and content as too people could be with each other, both admitting how we felt, and yet we STILL couldn't actually say it. Even though I really, really wanted to.

But hey, I like what we got. And so if you are perchance reading this Bene - I like your face ^_^

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