The "L" word

So I am in this new relationship and of course the further along things go the more you start to think about those 3 little words... Now I am naturally a very affectionate person and express that all the time. I tell my friends I love them all the time and to me its just natural. With the people I care about its the normal way to end a phone call or say goodbye when you're parting ways. But as soon as you get into a relationship, suddenly those 3 little words that you use all the time with other people you care about suddenly become the biggest taboo. You can't say them too early for fear of freaking the other person out or them seeming insincere. So you wait. Even once you know that they're true. You don't want to be the first to say them - just in case you don't hear them back. But when it gets to a point where you're not just stopping yourself from saying them offhandedly, and are stopping yourself from saying them despite them being how you truly feel - that starts to feel insincere in itself.

So I got to the point with my boyfriend (who I hope hasn't suddenly taken an interest in reading my blog :P) despite us having only been together a relatively short time, nearly 2 months or so, where I really feel that way. Its weird how you know. But you just do. When its a sudden realisation (like with my last boyfriend and also my first love - I can remember the exact moment very distinctly down to where I was and what I was doing) or whether it creeps up on you in a way that feels as natural as breathing. But having that realisation is scary. Having been in love before and having that person ending up hurting me immensely, letting yourself go to that place again is pretty terrifying. Plus the telling of that boyfriend I loved him was also not a very pleasant experience in terms of his reaction at the time. But its not exactly something that one can help, I guess. Cause here I am. Nearly a year after we broke up for good, in love with someone who had been a friend for the last 2 and a half years and with whom I never expected I'd be in this position.

And yesterday somehow the topic of these 3 little words came up because of those clumsy second nature sayings that we use everyday and that in any other context would be uttered with another thought. First I logged on to check my facebook and because I had no notifications mock-sadly exclaimed "Nobody loves me!" And as soon as I said it I knew his first instinct was to say "I do." But of course he couldn't... Then later on I went to my friend's room to get him a rusk for his coffee and she gave me her very last one so when I gave it to him I said, "Look how loved you are..." He promptly replied, "Yho, I'm love, am I?" And I trued to respond with a sufficient amount of flippancy, saying " Its just a figure of speech, gosh!" But had to turn away, cause I was really embarrassed at making the slip. His reaction however wasn't one of discomfort like I had expected. He was beaming ear to ear, despite having acknowledged that fact that he know it was just something people say...

Now a while back we had been lying in bed and all I had wanted to do was say those dangerous and glorious three little words. But like I said before, I didn't want to be the first to say them because what if he didn't say them back? So I went with the playful and unassuming, "I like your face." And it stuck. And soon he was saying it back. And with just as much conviction that I was saying them. He knew exactly what I meant when I was saying it. And this he told me last night. He is rather astute with such things, I will admit. And he pretty much admitted that he'd been saying it back with the same intention as I had.

So why do these eight letters paralyze us so? Why can my stomach fill with butterflies at hearing our own little expression of affection because I know what it really represents. But what it really represents can't actually be said outright. It is funny and is one of those many things that highlight to me just how strange a bunch of creatures us humans are. It also reminded me of an old movie from about 10 years ago called Love and Sex. Now I didn't particularly like this movie at all but there has always been one line that has stuck with me since watching it. I can't remember exactly what it was but I remember one of the characters talking about old couples who have been together for so many years that saying I love you becomes the same thing as something as arbitrary as a cheese sandwich. And of course the cheese sandwich becomes a motif throughout the movie for an expression of love all culminating in the line of "I cheese sandwich you."

So I urge all not to get caught up in the hype around this silly little phrase become more important than the feelings behind it. Because we lay there in bed last night, fingers interlocked and limbs overlapping and comfortable and content as too people could be with each other, both admitting how we felt, and yet we STILL couldn't actually say it. Even though I really, really wanted to.

But hey, I like what we got. And so if you are perchance reading this Bene - I like your face ^_^

Chords, picks and painful fingers...

So I'm finally starting to actually mess around on the amazingness that was my 21st birthday present from the fandamily - an acoustic guitar of gloriousness. The term has run away with me so much its taken me this long to start, but am beyond keen. Been super shaky, obviously, but I have slightly more confidence that I'll at least be able to play some basic ish to sing along to eventually :P (Was doubtful at first, cause my fingers just did not seem to want to co-operate.) Trying to learn some basic chords at the moment with songs that only need a few of them :P Theo was my first teacher but in the end I had to go off and do it on my own. When I'm this new at something I have to learn on my own at first cause I'm way too self conscious of how terrible I am in front of people.

Atm working on the 3 chords it takes to play Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Greenday (getting confidence in strumming is way harder than I thought!) and am trying to figure out the barre chords that are needed to play Billionaire by Bruno Mars & Kanye West just cause I really like singing that song :P (Reeeeally struggling with those barre chords - gonna ask Theo to show me how to do them.)

XD Funny faces ftw XD

So I have just arrived back at uni for the second semester of my third year, having recently turned 21. And I have noticed that I have taken to making the funniest of faces in photos these days. Previously my poses consisted of 3 basic moves combined in various ways: the pout, the eyes looking up into some random corner and the peace sign (all of which can be seen below middle right :P). This isn't purposeful it just seems to be my default every time a camera is pointed in my direction. But lately I've moved on from the predictable to the ridiculous o.O

Here are a couple of my faves. . . XP

=) Life is goood... (=

A quick post uploaded sneakily at work…

So I’m on holiday – which means zero internet access, hence the silence. But I couldn’t resist a little update while I have the chance…

The last 2 weeks have been quite the whirlwind. So much has happened and so much is going to happen that I almost don’t know when to start. Firstly, I am no longer single… It is seriously crazy! I went out of my last relationship saying that at least for the extent of this year I did not want to get into anything serious with anyone just because the last one had ended so badly and been so draining and of course because my academics needed to be made my priority. But for some reason that decision go totally overridden :P And what’s even more strange is that it is with someone who I’ve known since 1^st and who I’ve never had any kind of “romantic encounter” with (if I can put it that way :P). But in the last week of term when I was partying with everyone after their last exams, we ended up making the most amazing connection and something just happened.

I know its really insane that 2 weeks later we’re in a relationship, and believe it took A LOT of deliberation on my part. And I couldn’t possibly attempt to go into all the intricacies of my thought patterns over the last few days. But basically I have thrown caution to the wind and put aside all my concerns and fears and just gone with it. I mean, every time we chat, and every moment we spent just chilling and canoodling in my room over those couple of days, just made me so happy. So why not gve it a shot, right? And I mean, he is a wonderful guy, and we have known each other  for 2 and a half years, so its not like we just met… The potential of the whole thing makes me unbelievably excited. The prospect of having him in my life and getting closer and closer is too lovely for words.

One perk, (and I use that word humorously! :P) which was only revealed when I had actually made up my mind and said yes, is that he has tickets to Coldplay in October and is now taking ME =) Which I am frikken freaking out about! I mean, not being able to see them was so utterly depressing to me. I grew up with them and they have been unmoved from my top 5 favourite bands ever since I had the capacity to think up such a list. It is most definitely going to be one of the highlights OF MY LIFE ^_^

Another amazing thing that I am exceedingly excited about is that Josh, Cam, Katez and I are road tripping to G-Town for the Arts Fest on Sunday ^_^ So frikken keen for the festival – was there last year and absolutely loved it. And so frikken keen for road trip vibes! (Copious amounts of photos will be taken and no doubt end up up here.) I absolutely love seeing my friends perform, and quite a few of them will be this year. And its going to be cool to expose Katez to my G-town life :P (Different worlds merging is always rather a strange experience :P).

And then of course it is gonna be MY BIRTHDAY!! ^_^

To sum up, I am feeling so exceedingly blessed right now. This next few months looks like they are going to be some of the best experiences of my life. And I cannot wait.

For now, I will continue to slave away in front of this computer doing this rather tedious and exceedingly boring desk job – the things we do for money, right? :P

Signing out, from my cloud 9 currently situated in the real world (but soon to be relocated :P)

Bisous! xx